disadvantages of being a second wife in polygamy

Source: Sunan Sad ibn Manr 633, Grade: Sahih. Its not like I wasnt married before, too. Polygamy is often based on traditional cultural practices or religious beliefs. While in past empirical tests showed that children are strategic complements. youre over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. 3. It found that while 70 per cent agreed that Muslim men have a right to polygamous marriages so long as they can treat all wives fairly, only 30 per cent would allow their own husband to marry . There are many stereotypes associated with being a second wife. My mother is a retired teacher and my dad could never keep a job, so she supported us. Following subthemes were included in these main theme categories. There are seriously complicated stunts involved-- trapeze artists have less difficulty in learning when to disappear and resurface at exactly the right moments than your average second wife. Mrs. Tanveer was 39 years old lady. Theyre all equal and these two women are their mothers equally. At the very least, the term "second wife" has a very negative connotation. It doesnt mean that it cant be wonderful. The sensitivity and the comfort level of discussing polygyny may have affected the sample size. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, 2. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality. Life as a co-wife wasn't easy for Cecilia; she started being mistreated by the second wife. Remember, in a normal setup the wives are not enemies nor are they in competition, Maphalala points out. 2006; 52(1): 5-17. Invest in the future today. Rehman J. He loved her, and I was fond of her, Lillian says. A Muslim convert says that being a second wife provides her. Mrs. Kamran was the 2nd wife, working in a hospital. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. But the current qualitative study is an attempt to fill the gaps that are left unexposed by survey-based or quantitative research and particularly to explore the positive consequences of polygamy and coping strategies which the polygamous women used to deal with co-wives relationships other than causes and disadvantages of co-wives. 1. Mrs. Mustafa was another 1st wife. Khazuyeva also has two parking spaces in an apartment building on Moscow's Mosfilmovskaya Street. Your wedding is your wedding and you can do whatever you want. As she stated, "out of sight, saying of mind.". Some children may not accept a new mother or father figure, so instilling values or upholding rules with them may prove difficult. You are a little older now, and you learned some harsh realities. Between birth and death: Female infanticide in nineteenth-century China. I am the grown-up woman he married as a grown-up man. Her husband got married to Miss Sobia who was the 2nd wife and it was again a love marriage. "Risk"? Concept of one soulmate for everyone is flawed anyway. We may also learn that if we dont want to get hurt again, to put up a wall, or other such adjustments. Polygamy has become very common in numerous cultures particularly in Islamic society. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. Instituting change for women in a male-dominated society is a daunting task; however, it is essential. Thobejane TD, Flora T. An exploration of polygamous marriages: A worldview. "We being realistic have accepted the co-wives". During my final two years in my first marriage, I was constantly telling my friends how I wanted to make my relationship work. The first author analyzed the transcripts line by line, which was read repeatedly and thematically analyzed for their contents. Azad Chaiwala, CEO and founder of the Second Wife and Polygamy marriage websites. A sample of 11 polygamous women was included through snowball sampling from the different cities of the province of Punjab, Pakistan with an age range of 18-50 years. The policymakers and law enforcement agencies should pass laws for the welfare of polygamous women. Al-Sharfi M, Pfeffer K, Miller KA. Lots of people are betraying their partners while pretending to be monogamous. He says he isnt much of a speaker. PostedNovember 5, 2012 Growing up my mother was abused by my father, Thembi says as she wipes away a tear. Jul 20, 2016, 1:53 AM. Evelyn*, 32, tells DRUM her mother's experience was awful. It's a common misconception that polygamy means one man married to multiple wives. But honestly, if your significant other has already had a wedding, who cares? "We injoi it and feele to prase the Lord." Avoiding adultery According to WorldCat, 99 percent of polygamous married men use this reason as justification for their undertakings. 2014; 8-10. Im in computer programming, which should tell you how much I love interacting with people, he says with a laugh. Bigger families imply more connections. So, I was second selection of my in-laws." To sum up: I am married to a man I love and am lucky. She was married to Mr. Imam due to family pressure when he had already a wife with 2 children. Love and (Polygamous) Marriage? Further, they accepted co-wives as fate roles and made compromises rather than separation in most of the wives even they had kids. "I'm in a traditionalist polygamist relationship. Mrs. Tanveer (first wife) has accepted the co-wife relationship because to her religion has allowed the man for multiple wives. 2019; 86(3): 1332-1370. The psychological health of women is essential to raising a sound, healthy family and should receive high priority, particularly in developing countries where resources are limited. Hence, before you embark on your marital journey, you must understand the second marriage problems and how to handle them. You constantly feel that your partner knowingly or unknowingly puts his previous family before you and your needs. King MT. Of importance is the need to disseminate the findings of studies like this one to those who are in a position to make change a reality. Polygyny, the marriage of a man and two or more women at the same time, includes an analogous sororal . You know, its so sad because the new wives are also being treated horribly by my father but theyre too proud to talk to my mother because of the way they mistreated her.. When even used-car dealers dont regard themselves as purveyors of second-hand merchandise, when second-hand clothes stores are now consignment shops, why should I stick with the second-wife moniker? Over breakfast her husband told her something that would make any woman choke on her toast: he wanted to take a second wife. She said," My husband helped me to survive emotionally and financially". You find yourself constantly comparing yourself with his ex-wife. But Thembi* (the second wife) shocked our husband and decided to stay in the main house with Thamsanqa. They each have their separate rooms, and their husband alternates time spent between them equally. Mrs. Kamal helped to take care of her co-wife and her new born. Understand that he couldve cheated, but rather chose something that is common in African culture. Thamsanqa says its important to make sure you really want another wife, and to thoroughly analyse your reasons. Opponents of decriminalization say the current law should not be changed because polygamy is inherently dangerous and harmful to women and children, particularly young girls, some of whom have. It was hell for my mom and me afterwards, Evelyn says. So, you're happily married to the Muslim man of your dreams when, suddenly, he drops the p-bomb: polygamy. Dealing with your partner's baggage. Even extended family like grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc., may not ever see you as an actual parent of the other persons biological child. Mrs. Arslan did not avail of divorce and said it was her fate to share her husband with her co-wife for the future of her children. I know in some families the children of the first wife have some sort of higher status, but this is my home and I dont want to raise my children like that, Thamsanqa says. Data collection from the participants may have been affected by differences in age, years, and rank in marriage, educational level, and religious faiths. 'I don't care about anything. READ MORE:Customary law know your rights. These are jealousy, poor marital satisfaction, unhealthy competition, lack of trust, and many other mental health problems [12]. So why is the phrase second wife so unnerving? In literature, the problems faced by polygamous women were highlighted. Published: Seven women were single before marriage, while two were divorced and two were widowed. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Saravanan S. Female infanticide in India: A review of the literature. Decisions made by two people in first families are often made or influenced by four or more adults in stepfamilies. She does not have an apartment . She stated, When I allowed my husband to marry a second wife, then God blessed me to have a child (translated from Urdu to English). She said, 2nd wife of my husband also helps me in daily households activities. A typical statistic out there now says that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. She said "After it, my husband was not trustworthy for me anymore. Objectives: The study investigated the causes of polygamy, outcomes, and women's coping strategies to deal with co-wives relationships. Miss Nadia was the 2nd wife of Mr. Imam. 2015; 12(3): 267-289. It could have been the man's problem too. Divorce can be an expensive proposition. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Female infanticide and killing women for giving birth to a baby girl a case study of Pakistan inproceedings of socioint14-international conference on social sciences and humanities. Rossi P. Strategic choices in polygamous households: Theory and evidence from Senegal. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Current findings are in line in terms of infertile women who accepted co-wives rather than divorce but those having children never bother to admit or respect co-wives as one of female told she is living in a separate home. Mrs. Gulzar said "I had no option other than to make a compromise and accept co-wife because of my female kids. In most cases the husband will go back to the wife and apologise after his elders have spoken to him. In the normal course of events theres no need for formal structures in polygamous relationships as the wives usually work most things out for themselves, he says. Image from The Star. In some Middle Eastern countries, polygamy is regulated and the second, third or fourth wife, has legal rights. Marriage Counseling vs. Mrs. Amir was the 2nd wife and also had no children her husband married her for children and his family again forced him for 3rd wife by giving the reference of the religious doctrine. Prevalence of mental health problems in women in polygamous versus monogamous marriages: A systematic review and meta-analysis. The difficulty is usually with the first wife. The study investigated the causes of polygamy, outcomes, and women's coping strategies to deal with co-wives relationships. Islam allows men to marry up to four wives at one time but the condition is to maintain equality and Justice in all the possession whatever a man holds in material means [1]. But Ron and I had already endured hardship . According to Mrs. Abdullah (3rd wife: Amina), she and other wives are living in the same home and got along well. But after few months it was disclosed. Grab Now! He enters willingly, eyes open, arms spread--he's the emotional version of a skydiver. In turn, some women don't tell their friends about their husband's other partners because young people in the region are becoming more outspoken on how polygamy is an arrangement that is designed. Go figure. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. A record of 26 women was collected for polygamous families through snowball sampling for the availability of co-wives. The Journal of Social Psychology. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. Judge Nenney says every week she hears cases where a couple is charged for having sex outside marriage. Not the wives of college friends, not old relatives who can't remember new names but who remember that they shelled out good money for a fancy gift the first time around, and especially not the original wife, who thinks of herself as the bona fide wife. She also said, "'my children and 1 should get a fair and deserving share of the marriage and properties". Brigham Young and His Wives. I never expected to be a second wife. But surprisingly enough, she understood and agreed to it. He enters willingly, eyes open, arms spread--he's the emotional version of a skydiver. In the Muslim world, polygamy is acknowledged because it is supported and associated with religious doctrine as well as a fair and legal way of relationship. 2007; 21(1), 108-127. He's not a wealthy man, he has another family and I accepted that.'. Different coping strategies have been explored to deal with the co-wives relationship by women to share their mutual husbands. Some second wives may have unknowingly become #2 and had thought they were in monogamy, until the husband plucks up the courage to reveal they have . "Eva*, now 60 was married to my father for 28 years, and then one day he said he would like to add two more wives - they were twins," she recalls. Three themes emerged from the study based on findings. 5. I would also like to add that polygamy is not a staple in Islamic culture, nor is it a tradition. The Review of Economic Studies. She has never absolved me from the sin of being happy. They also threatened her with divorce. The purpose of this study is to investigate married womens experiences in polygamous marriages and their ways of coping to accept this relationship. They know what they want and work hard they dont just take the mans words as the Bible.. Third theme: The coping strategies used by polygamous women have included faith in religion, fate role, and compromise with the co-wives. Conclusion: Polygamous women though claimed that polygamy has disadvantages but to them, divorce is not an option. She told she was also present during the delivery. I'm seven months pregnant. International Journal of Law, Policy and the Family. When men are taken out of the marriage market by war or by prison, women suffer. She got a marriage proposal from a married man to be his second wife as his first wife had a medical condition due to which he had not been able to sleep with her for last 11 years. Initially, uBaba wanted me to stop working and look after the business as well but my calling is nursing, says a shy Thembi, 52, as she finally joins the conversation. 1.Why your spouse (husband) preferred 2nd or 3rd marriage? One wife raises her fertility in response to an increase by the other wife because to them children are the best claim to resources controlled by the husband [22,23]. The findings of the study indicate that polygamy is a painful and bitter pill for most women to swallow. Mrs. Gulzar who was 36 years first wife told as she came to know her husband has a hidden marriage with Miss Nasreen. Limited-Time Deal on Marriage Course. Appointments were previously taken and the interviews were conducted at their places for their convenience. Second marriages are like the mature version of you getting married again. The world is their oyster. The policymakers and law enforcement agencies should pass laws for the welfare of polygamous women. While Pakistan being an Islamic state where religion allows polygamy, the more typical reasons have been observed in the current study by multiple co-wives such as infertility, a woman being a mother only by female children, love marriage, or family pressure with the reference of religious doctrine. The statistics are stacked against you, Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. I realized, several years after I remarried, that one of my oldest friends never quite forgave me for getting on with life after my divorce. International Journal of Mental Health. At that time her 3rd husband supported her emotionally and financially. But that's not the case in Canada, says Imam Hamid Slimi of the Sayeda Khadija . 2020; 24: 339351. Both were a happy couple with 2 boys and 1 baby girl. "This evening I am with my wife a lone by my fire side for the first time for years," Young wrote in his diary in January 1842. When she asked her husband, he refused to accept it. She almost lost her life I couldnt bear the thought of losing her. He kisses the back of Lillians hand as he talks. Many first marriages start with two young, giddy people, unfettered by the realities of life. A new law that went into effect in Kenya this week makes it legal for a man to marry as many women as he wants. We have an ordinary life. The advantages of polygamy were included sharing in-house responsibilities and child-rearing. In the beginning, females refused to share their partners but with time they accept it. I was 14 when mom and dad told us Mam Thembi would be our second mother. Family pressure: Family pressure is also one of the common reasons for polygamous marriages. These themes were generated from the co-wives experiences. Mrs. Ahmad being 2nd wife told that after second marriage "I and my co-wife did not get along; our children also did not get along, and there was constant bickering between us. She stated I prefer not to attend the same social function or activity with my rival (co-wife). In the current study, co-wives reported several negative consequences of polygamy such as jealousy, lack of trust, unhappiness, loneliness, unequal financial division, and social privileges among the multiple wives those are consistent with previous studies conducted in UAE, Kuwait, Egypt, Jordan, the Gaza Strip, Arabs in Israel, Palestine, and Turkey which point out that the wives in polygamous marriages have reportedly more psychosocial, familial and economic problems compared to their counterparts from monogamous families [16-20]. Yet there are many other cultures that support a mans choice to take more than one wife and believe it is something that can benefit the women as well. Many qualitative and quantitative studies have been conducted to evaluate the challenges and issues facing polygamous women on an international level. Mrs. Imam, Mrs. Ahmad, Mrs. Kamran, and Miss Nadia also admitted co-wives relationship and compromised with this relationship (Table 3). So second marriages tend to have less of the giddiness and more of the serious daily life attached. Are self-compassionate partners less jealous? Both verbal and written consent was obtained. Hed moved from mining to owning a taxi business. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding. Tandler N, Petersen LE. Could Your Relationship Benefit from Marital Counseling? She was living with her in-laws and never allowed her husband to live with his second wife in the same household. Also, if your husband has financial problems, he had no right to marry you in the first place. Polyamory is not just about sex, both Farmer and Schippers point out, whereas open marriages, open relationships and swinging tend to emphasize the sexual parts of a relationship. She was blended with her husband by love marriage. disadvantages of being a second wife islam. Eva*, now 60 was married to my father for 28 years, and then one day he said he would like to add two more wives they were twins, she recalls. I was so impressed., READ MORE:Celeste Ntuli and Ayanda Borotho on their roles as sister-wives in Isibaya. Mrs. Mustafa though convinced her husband of second marriage but she said I was very much distressed and lonely after the 2nd marriage of my husband. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? But here I am, married to a man who was married before. Can expand your gene pool. 70% of those second marriages end in divorce. Social Change. All of that financial mess can translate into a financially difficult second marriage. Yet even though we have gallopped past our twentieth year of marriage, I am still considered The Second One by certain of our acquaintances. Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. Because polygamy is typically condoned only in specific regions, it may be difficult to meet other willing participants to enter a polygamous union. She also stated that "whenever I am depressed, I am used to saying my prayers and get relief because divorce is not an option for me." ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry (MyCite Report). Lillian had twins Zakhele* and Zanele* (now 39), and thought she and her husband were happy. U.S. immigration law frowns on being married to more than one person at the same time, and prohibits both bigamists and polygamists from becoming naturalized citizens. Mrs. Kamal due to the age factor she was very distressed at the time of her husbands' 2nd marriage but with time she accepted this relationship and had a good relation with 2nd wife and with her children. Jankowiak W, Sudakov M, Wilreker BC. Six were first (senior) wives, four were second wives, and one was the 3rd wife in status. Her in-laws forced her husband to marry another female because of only female children. Participant Mrs. Abdullah stated that in her pain after her 1st husband's death and later divorce from her previous husband due to barrenness when she met her third husband who dealt her effectively with her emotional pain. And it can get particularly difficult when it comes to discipline. The questions were translated into English according to the needs of international journal. We have also learned of situations where a man is forced by his family to take a second wife because his parents disapprove of his first wife for any number of reasons (they didn't choose her, his mother no longer likes her, she's not the right nationality, ethnicity, skin tone, caste, race etc). This prompted one Javed to petition the Supreme Court that since Muslim. You didnt grow up thinking; I cant wait until I meet a divorced man! Instead it is the familiar routine of waking to an arm around your waist, the companionable bathroom talk with mouths full of toothpaste, and the idea that someone will know if you dont make it home at night. Shed dropped out of school to help her sick grandmother, Nomqondiso, when Thamsanqa asked her for her hand in marriage. Disadvantages (Demerits) Of Polygamous Marriage 1. Women need to be empowered with education and positive affirmation of self-worth. She said, "We both share the housework and I always take care of her children". Divorce can be an expensive proposition. Also watch: A guide for second wives to create a happy blended family. The outcomes of polygamous marriages have also been seen. The study describes the different experiences, reasons behind polygamy, its outcomes, and the coping strategies used by first, second, and third wives. He dearly loved his wife, Mary Ann Angell. Bigamy occurs when one man illegally marries more than one woman. Polygamy is a practice in which a person is married to more than one person at the same time, most commonly a man to several wives. I grew up as an only child, and I always knew I wanted a lot of children, but my wifes pregnancy with the twins was very complicated. Ibn Qudamah writes: There are seriously complicated stunts involved-- trapeze artists have less difficulty in learning when to disappear and resurface at exactly the right moments than your average second wife. Then I learned that marriages arent like cars, independent of the people in them, to be fixed according to an owner's manual. Polygamy is often confused with polyamory and bigamy. I didnt really get it, but my parents are big on communication in a weeks time I was on board. Thembi says she knows people often question polygamous marriages but shes adamant that sometimes the women gain a lot more than the men. The policymakers and law enforcement agencies should pass laws for the welfare of polygamous women. The average duration of polygamy was about 11 years so most of the co-wives had been accepted co-wives and engaged themselves in several activities and got comfort considering it fate role, religious permission, and compromise for the sake of their children's future rather than divorce. I defended my mother and my dad just watched everything unfold. After three years of this, Eva decided to file for divorce but her husband, Evelyn says, is still trying to milk her for all her money. Ethnology. She stated, I allowed a co-wife in my marriage because I was not able to have more children after my second child. Women also support their men for polygamy if they are facing infertility to secure their marriage instead of divorce [4]. Thereafter you will be billed R75 per month. Therefore, in line with the objectives of this study, qualitative interviews were a superlative choice for inductive approaches aimed at generating concepts and hypotheses that have far more potential for research than any other model. His family says it was unaware of any "second. Now she was not ready for 3rd. As when co-wives share their domestic chores, and other responsibilities of the family they become less possessive with time about their partners. When her husband refused, she said that she convinced and allowed her husband for second marriage. | "If it's mostly. , each person taking on whatever debt there is, plus paying attorney fees, etc. Miss Nadia was the second wife of Mr. Imam. Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. In times of uncertainty you need journalism you can trust. 17-Dec-2021, DOI: 10.54615/2231-7805.47221. You feel stuck and feel as if you do not belong where you are. CNN . Being a step-parent can be a very . If the person in the second marriage who was married before didnt have children, then chances are they never have to even talk to their ex again. Top 5 Benefits of Marriage Counseling Before Divorce, 25 Tips for How to Deal With a Narcissist, 6 Challenges of Second Marriages and how to overcome them, Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship, 10 Ways to Deal With a Controlling Micromanaging Spouse, 15 Benefits of Group Therapy in Relationships. Conclusion: Polygamous women though claimed that polygamy has disadvantages but to them, divorce is not an option. Incidentally, polygamy is illegal for non-Muslims according to Federal law but is allowed for Muslim men under Sharia Law. 2 Meet other future spouses. To find out the reasons for multiple spouses by men. Changes to the law have meant that women in customary marriages now have more protection than before. Al-Krenawi A, Slonim-Nevo V. Success and failure among polygamous families: The experience of wives, husbands, and children. Table 2: Frequency of co-wives for jealousy, unhappiness, loneliness and sharing household chores as consequences of polygamous marriages (N=11). The participants expressed the usage of different coping Strategies in polygamous marriage as religion, fate, compromise, and sisterly bond with co-wives. Their average marriage duration was 11 years and living in the same house or compound. All women were Muslims. Mrs. Amir (second wife) and Mrs. Kamal (first wife) were felt lonelier and criticized by their family because of infertility and the new wives were getting more privilege socially and financially because of having children. Unhappiness and loneliness: Mrs. Gulzar was unhappy about a lot of things in the marriage. They often include not-so-subtle warnings about what's to come, designed to keep you strong and united in the face of conflict, change, hardship, kids. Polygamy | Becoming A Second Wife | Accepting Other Wives 13,077 views May 15, 2020 154 Dislike Share Diaspora Ukhti 3.66K subscribers This is a survey only! In part, this is due to the fact that there is still a contingent for which a marriage without children is only slightly more honorable than a series of one-night stands. Inmany countries all over the world, polygamy is not permitted by law and marrying multiple partners is simply not allowed. A man and his second wife in Pakistan tell of their daily fear of being killed by assassins at the behest of their families. 4. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry peer review process verified at publons.