"You had twins, a boy and a girl. Moreover, if you felt guilty about laughing at some of these jokes, then you need to worry even less. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset. 1. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pregnant i m pregnant dad jokes. The nurse said. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. For that, she replied: Dear, I have doubts. A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. Telephone +40 745 310 155, Naughty dark humor jokes to make you giggle, Smiling at dark humor and jokes designed to offend, TheCoolist is supported by our readers. Sounds like your contractions are a few seconds apart. My explanation is that she was inside me. says Jo. For me, its watching the Wrong Turn horror movies. Me: Id like to name our son James. Studying Before pregnancy, I slept on my stomach! What is the most reliable method to determine a babys sex? What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? An older man goes to the exit, smiling at her and says: Daughter, you will have a son! Sometimes, a knock-knock joke doesnt help lighten the mood and the only resort is to crack a few jokes about things that normally shouldnt be laughed at like death, disease and depression. "He did." I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! 74. Furthermore, they can be delivered without warning, an act that only serves to heighten their impact. I am pregnant which means I am swollen, sober, and hungry. How is being pregnant like being a kid again? I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Dark Humor Jokes. I made a website for orphans. It is supposed to tear down boundaries and borders; it is there as a device to make those who listen and laugh feel a little guilty for doing so, but at the same time relieve some of the stresses and pressures surrounding us. 45. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver. 71. ", Paddy says to Mick, I didnt think so. The woman looks down, "A can of peaches, Your Honor.". Dont let the process get to you, instead, try and enjoy it for what it is. The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart! Wife: Whose is it? One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. 2. Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Im afraid its a bad sign so that it hurts my future child. I said, "Well, you are in a wheelchair.". 46. I'm not sure what she's talking about. This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. 26. Chances are, theyll love them just as much as you do. 20. The pregnant wife said to her husband: I hope you dont want to attend the birth? "Hmmmm. I dont want to go shopping!. Why are friends a lot like snow? Yes, its a hard delivery skill to pull off, but works so well with those gallows-style dark humor jokes. Ans: Exercising while pregnant is like eating kale. Anyway, thats enough of the psycho-babble. My wife got pregnant! Lifes a piece of shit,When you look at it.Lifes a laugh, and deaths a joke; its true.Youll see its all a show.Keep em laughin as you go.Just remember that the last laugh is on you. Chris Rock is debuting a brand new comedy special on Netflix this weekend. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister. You better be committed. Elizabeth Gilbert, There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it. Chinese Proverb, If pregnancy were a book, they would cut the last two chapters. Nora Ephron, Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething. Mark Twain, Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes. Joyce Armor, God, my brain really goes to mush when Im pregnant. Kate Winslet, Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant. Jim Cole, I can smell electricity. Your He said I was a sight for psoriasis. b) Peeing. However, you might feel bad for laughing at dark jokes. Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant. It's just canceling your pre-order. A pregnant mother asks her first child: Whom would you like more, a sister or a brother? When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? For instance, when you push them down the stairs. I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. 110 points. Mealtimes are often a place for good conversation. New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. Doctor: Good! So I felt sorry for her. Whats common between hide and seek, and an unintentional pregnancy? You will laugh, and you will feel mildly guilty for it, and then you will laugh again. 556. You are fucking cool, and the athlete is anywhere! A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. Your problems are my problems. Ans: Depends on what youre doing with them. Jenny looks confused. "I'm a butcher," he says. My phone number, my address, my name. Your email address will not be published. 44. Yours? 64. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. What did he name the girl? My mother said one man's trash is another man's treasure. What is the most common pregnancy craving? Because hes dead. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working.". A husband comes home sadly. 58. 28. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. A guilty pleasure to some could be grabbing a sneaky hamburger or (for those in the UK) a cheeky Nandos. What did he name the girl? "I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad.". A 2017 study by Austrian neurologists published in Cognitive Processing found that people who appreciate dark jokes, which they define as "humor that treats sinister subjects like death, disease, deformity, handicap, or warfare with bitter amusement," may actually have higher IQs than those who don't. And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'. My boss told me to have a good day. 66. 44. They both cant be found. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police. The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! The doctor says: How old are you, sir? Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem. We'll look at the fun, quirky, and even dark humour that often revolves around maternity and pregnancy. A wife asked her husband: Who is that screaming there so loud? Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. 43. This is not for the welfare of the pregnant woman, but for the sake of saving work! Between the swollen ankles and morning sickness, jokes can be a respite from all that your spouse is going through. When he encountered a bear, he still didn't realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear. Ans: Having to sing Wheels on the Bus 20,000 times a day. ", like my name, my address, my phone number. When telling jokes of any kind, there is something magical about the simplicity with which they can come together. A woman on a bed, a man on a sofa. ?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer." When will my baby move? How is being pregnant is like being a child again? After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". Questioning her career choices, a 40-year old health care worker who treated pregnant women bough a bright red convertible and skipped town. 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Ans: It is because you are fatter than they are. The information on this website is of a general nature and available for educational purposes only and Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Paddy replies, After that, a nurse came out and told one: You have a boy. When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed. Two friends are talking: My wife is smart. A pregnant lady is talking to her friend: Imagine, this morning I broke a plate. The woman asked the doctor about her baby. Being pregnant is an occupational hazard of being a wife. Queen Victoria, Theres a whole birthing plan, but what is the plan other than to get it out? Celebration I replied, "Yes just once." "I'll bloody take her with me! ?" But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake. So I unplugged his life support. Or, at the very least, that's what I like to think. What bird helps prevent pregnancy? Listen, if you arent ready to have pee on your hand, then youre definitely not ready to be a mom. She told her: you already have the fourth child, and everything is from John! Turns out, books about womens rights shouldnt go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section. "Hi disappointed, I'm dad" 31. I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright.". said the astonished lawyer. Liking these dark jokes might also reflect our view of the world. Dark humor would be saying ten babies in one trashcan. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". I should not be allowed to operate heavy equipment, including iPhones. Olivia Wilde, I had this thing for Entenmanns chocolate donuts. 61. If your babys ugly, do you want me to tell you? Yeah, gestating can have its lighter moments. Doctor: Denephew. 32. 39. daddy did you give mummy a baby ? And, your brother named them for you. I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. TheCoolist is a mood board for your headspace. 70. she asks, nearly in tears. Me: Let the James begin! The woman asked the doctor about her baby. A young student announces to her parents: I am pregnant. The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant. You also acknowledge that owing to the limited nature of communication possible on 3. I visited my new friend in his apartment. Peeing on a stick and preserving that stick is the start of the many disgusting things you will do as a mother. Whats the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals? Thus, you will find yourself laughing, and then suddenly, the true darkness of it will hit you. Youre required to have the baby for her. Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? Woman: Oh no, not my brother! "I like that. But you need to get packing, your new parents will be here in an hour.". The first sonogram pic is just like a tourist pic of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Nothing, if the pregnant womans partner knows whats good for them. A wife shouts at a young servant: What, Ann, I see you are pregnant! dark jokes about pregnancy. From the silly to the serious, these jokes will have you and your partner laughing all the way through your pregnancy. On your cheat day! "Pure logic," the bartender replies. 68. Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? You need a parachute to go skydiving twice. My wife told me she's sick of me pushing her around and talking behind her back. A play on words here, a pun there, and you have a collection of mildly offensive jokes that are still reasonably safe to use in most social circles. So after a good number of years on this planet, why not make sure you go out with a smile. Shane: Dad bought a great car so that we were having a great weekend. It doesnt have a home page. . She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?" Riddles You dont need a parachute to go skydiving. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. Do you think I am too old to be a dad? I'll never forget my Grandfathers last words to me just before he died. Little Johnny said: Yesterday at dinner my sister told us that she was pregnant and dad said: Great! Fall Ans: When I found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic! After hearing the phrase, Dear, I am pregnant in the morning, my friend John pretended to be asleep for two more days. Only for 20 seconds, though, and only once. Things like, my job, my phone number and my address, A woman threatens her boyfriend : 75. I said, Nah, it's probably womb temperature. "I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. Healthy Environment 25. Im never having kids, they take 9 months to download!, Take the toothpaste and go brush in the room, I have to pee! *1 minute later* WHEREs THE TOOTHPASTE?!. Sorry, whats the quickest way to get to the hospital? Ans: But its certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool. They are the perfect example of jokes that can just roll off the tongue between courses. A chance for the family to get together and talk about their day. Mom, Im pregnant. Husband: It's none of your business. So if youre having a hard pregnancy, these jokes can help make things a little better. Curate your cool with TheCoolists reviews, round-ups, and deep dives. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. An old nobleman comes to the doctor: Doctor, I married a lovely young lady six months ago, but she cant get pregnant. Animals As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but its hard without him. As your body changes, it can be a wild ride for everyone, filled with unforgettable moments you may look back on and laugh at. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. What does a pregnant woman say when you tell her leggings are not pants? Vehicle Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Suddenly her husband shouts from the back of the court room, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peanuts!". They then bump it up to 20%. Yet there are a great many jokes out there that make the holocaust the butt of the joke. Sense of Humor 4. How is virginity like a soap bubble? Like a superhero. When a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town. Required fields are marked *. Parenting.Firstcry.com accepts no liability for any errors, omissions or misrepresentations. Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, Im stuck here holding my rod. When it comes to humor, there is no discrimination. You dont need a parachute to go skydiving. I now live in constant fear. 69. 55. When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.Nothing special, he explained. My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. You delivered a boy and a girl!" 19. 72. - "Don't do this darling ! The doctor said, "It's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy." Take a look at these Funny Pregnancy Videos. 22. However, many are unwilling to give in and give a laugh for fear of condemnation. Because they have no body to go with. Why dont cannibals eat clowns? pregnant 1.8K 3 by Autumns-Dreams A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. Is this a normal craving? 21. "Sea-section" Then she replies: I dont care. 37394109), Str. They dont know where home is. Now shut the hell up. The way a joke is told is not to offend but rather to diffuse, to trivialize the overwhelmingly negative, and make it just that little more bearable. Without question, it was the darkest time in human history. It can be painful and frustrating at times, but it can also be pretty funny. Whats the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you'll only have to pay for 3. 51. Everywhere. 83. "You wont get it." "Yes." When a husband came home, he saw that his wife was standing naked in front of the mirror and examining her belly. 7. Dont think its yours just because you marked it with your urine! , I want drugs, massive amounts of drugs. ", She's nervous during the examination, fearing that she may be pregnant. Im pregnant. 17. Then the man came to his wife and said angrily: Im leaving you. "And the boy?" Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder! When people arent sure whether to congratulate you or hand you some Gas-X. Dress her up as an altar boy. Then she tells her husband: Honey, there will be three of us soon! Student: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. Teacher: Do you know what pregnant means? Student: Yes, it means youre carrying a child., RELATED: 30+ Relatable Nurse Jokes To Get You Through Your Next Shift. Confucius say: Woman who wear G-string, high on crack! Say what you will about pedophiles. 60. None, they all sit in the dark and cry. How do you say unintended pregnancy in German? A nine-month-long hostage situation where you are both the hostage and the building. SUBSCRIBE for weekly NEW Episodes! When my mother was pregnant with me, she broke a gramophone disk. Doctor: Can you tell me what your question is? Why is it so great to be a test tube baby? Whats the similarity between a pregnant teen and the baby she is carrying? A teacher asked her students to write a sentence in which the word great would be two times. While working as an intern for an English daily, she realised that she likes writing above anything else. I childproofed my house. What do a pregnant woman and a burned cake have in common? Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. As with everything in life, there are degrees of moderation, even when it comes to dark humor and jokes. Humor is, was, and always will be subjective. What should a joke have in common with a pregnancy? Ill go to Moscow, climb the Crimean bridge and jump into the river. You dont need to be British to understand or tell these jokes, but it does help. Why do women always look skinny after a miscarriage? I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Where do you work?" People are just dying to get in. I think my water just broke! Take your wife, hire a young secretary and go on a trip for two to three months. I hate people who don't wear masks, they make me sick. James jumps up, "Adopted! 17. But nothing happened to me, nothing happened. "Did you jus" My town's population never changes. What are the most common pregnancy cravings? I have oneWhat the difference between a slice of pizza and a dead manA slice of pizza cant feed the whole family. 2. Then she replied: No. The following dark humor jokes will test your resistance to the guilty pleasures life has to offer. I answered Duplicate. Great! 42. 57. 5 Stages of Pregnancy: 1: Crying 2: Peeing 3: Crying because you peed 4: Peeing because you're crying 5: The toilet is your home now. That's perfect. Ans: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Ans: *9 months later* Wife: My water broke! 24. Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. Yes, please whine to me about how tired you are today. Trivia Questions Give a man a match, and hell be warm for a few hours.